Monday, August 14, 2006
Retro Hotmud 2-19 2002
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
In-N-Out URGE — Posted by— hotmud @ 11:44 PM EST
Tonight here at Hotmud.net we offer another installment in the seemingly neverending series of pointless jabs at net culture we like to call Faux Porn Links™. Like a shockingly bad Mexican soap opera dubbed into Mandarin the FPL finds your proverbial “last nerve” and sinks in it’s fangs in an effort to hopefully enlighten your netburned minds. At the very least it may elicit a chuckle or two and dump you ususpecting in a place you’ve never been before. That’s never all bad now is it? Smoke and mirrors baby, use thier tools and words against them and they may eventually fall. So what if we’re trying to slay Mega-Mecha-Goliath with with a slingfull of atoms, is it any better to be complacent and/or complicit?
Our festivities tonight are brought to you by our newest sponsor, Jay’s Used Auto Parts and Bait Shack out on State Highway 57 in West Pensyltucky, Ohiovania. Are you having trouble finding hubcaps for your ‘78 Le Baron? Jay will probably have a set or he can get you one “real soon” if you know what I mean. Too many junkers up on blocks in front of the trailer? Jay’ll haul ‘em away and crush them down in the big machine out back and even throw in a complimentary box of nightcralwers with every purchase. Just don’t let him accidentally haul away your cousin Joey who’s been sleeping in the backseat for the last few months after his wife left him for the door to door sex toy salesman. That would be a tragedy of epic proportions without a doubt.
For all of the new folks out there I’ll quickly explain that the FPL is a deconstruction of the net’s culture of pornography that takes a link phrase from a real porn site and through the power of Google sends the surfer not a member’s login and 47 pop up advertisments but somewhere altogether “different”.
Let’s get straight to the action shall we?
whores check in, but they don’t check out
100% more lesbian sex than before
your kids will think you are a pervert
And as an added bonus tonight we have a Disturbing Search Request of such specificity that it astounds me. This was in the referals this past week and it has got to be the lengthiest search string I think has ever “hit” this site.
The string was:
“(insane or disturbing or shocking or absurd) and (remove or removed or removal or “cut off” or “sliced off” or “slice off") and (genitalia or genitals or penis or penises ) and (gallery or photos or images or pictures)”
Um, yeah. We’ve got lots of that.
I have some stuff planned for the site this week so stay tuned true believers.
Hotmud(out)
Posted by
Hotmud on 08/14 at 09:00 AM
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Thursday, August 10, 2006
Retro Hotmud 7-14-2002
Sunday, July 14, 2002
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas --
Posted by— hotmud @ 09:58 PM EST
The front door slams on a suburban Detroit home....
From the kitchen we hear...
June: Ward honey, I think the Beaver’s home......
It’s The New New “Leave it to Beaver"
Starrring Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Billingsley, Tony Dow, and Marshall Mathers as The Beaver…
The Beav:Yo, what the fuck, why is everything in black and white?
Ward:Theodore! I’ve never heard such foul language out of so small a mouth. Color telvision is way too expensive ($1000 in 1954!) for my accountant’s salary.
The Beav:Yo pops, you best not be frontin’ or I’ll cap yo bitch ass. This can’t be the 1950’s, I wasn’t even born yet. But since this is my show...
The Beav pulls a Nine from his waistband and with a devilish grin proceeds to pistol whip Ward into unconsciousness.
Hearing the commotion June enters from the kitchen...
June:Theodore! What’s going on here?
The Beav:Shut it bitch, and quit calling me Theodore. Everyone knows my name is Slim. And while you’re at it come over here and give me some muthafuckin h*#!&d.
June:My god, I don’t even do that for your father!
The Beav pulls his Nine.
The Beav:It ain’t like freaky shit like this never happens yo. On your knees now!
Not wanting to get shot June reluctantly complies.
Wally enters from upstairs and is conspicously wearing an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt.
Wally:Hey, what’s all the fuss?
The Beav:ICP!, hey fuck you ya dumbass biatch. You better take off that shirt or it’ll be the one you wear in your casket!
Wally:Hey screw you mutherfuckin Slim Weenie, I’m a Juggalo to the core!
Crack! Crack! Wally slumps to the floor in a growing pool of blood.
The Beav:Not anymore.
June starts to gag on The Beav and stops to say…
June:Theodore, now you’ve shot your brother to death. I’m sorry but I’m not sure your father and I can get you out of this kind of trouble. We might have to call the pol....
The Beav:Shut up ho!
The Beav pistol whips June so hard her jaw is fractured and she falls into a bleeding heap next to the now semi conscious Ward. A swift kick to Ward’s kidneys is so painfull he returns to the relative bliss that is unconsciousness.
The Beav:Hey I kinda like this show, even if it is in black and white. I’d watch this show.
A siren is heard in the street outside.
The Beav: Uh oh, looks like it’s time for a commercial!
Cut to Eminem…
Yo, check the real show right here. Turn up those speakers kiddies.
It’s a very dark time in America, a dark time indeed.
And...yes the title of this post is a palindrome.
Posted by
Hotmud on 08/10 at 10:00 PM
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